The good is really good and the bad is worse than a nightmare

I had a really good weekend. Well, sorta! I learned how to change the air filter in my car. I went to my belly dancing class. I got my bar application in the mail. I studied for the MPRE. I went to a Halloween party. I watched Zorro (a really dumb but cute movie). I made some yummy Indian food. I went canoeing (so much freaking fun). The trees were all pretty colors. I had really good company. The weather was amazing. I apparently can't make compound sentences today. So the bad....

My mom almost died yesterday. It's not really something I should be blogging about - it seems too significant for that - but I also haven't really told anyone. I need to get my feelings in check. The whole thing scared the shit out of me and I just didn't want to talk to anyone about it. She is still in the ICU, but apparently is a lot better. It scares me to think what might have happened if my brother hadn't been there. My mom is alone a lot nowadays because my dad travels a lot. My dad was out of town again this week but thankfully my brother was there. Anyways, she was doing so badly that my doctor-brother was scared for her life. He thought that her chances really weren't that good. My other brother - the one who was with my mom - told me this morning that he was scared all day. He told me that today he could finally have a conversation with her again. You know, the details aren't important. What is important is that she is doing better.

So like I said, the bad was really bad. My mom can't die. I'm not ready for that.

Also, I had some issues with my long-distance relationship. It is becoming harder and harder for me to be apart from Taz. Yesterday I just needed a hug. I couldn't get it. I couldn't justify driving 2 hrs (1 there and 1 back) just to get a hug. And he wasn't willing to do it unless I "really needed him". Well what does "really needed him" mean? I really wanted him. I suppose I didn't need him because I survived not seeing him but that's not really the point. Long distance relationships SUCK!

Just writing all of this has worn me out. I can’t think. I can’t concentrate. I certainly can’t think about all this. My stability is nonexistent. Tears can flow at the drop of a hat. I don’t want people to know because I don’t want people to ask. That will just make me break down. I’m tired. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to do anything. Now I don’t even want to blog.

I'm not sure how...

I'm not sure how, but it took me all day to get very few things done. I had to ask for an additional letter of recommendation for medical school and send the guy the appropriate information. I had to order graduation announcements. I had to fill out the graduation form so that my school knows what to say about me as I walk across stage. I had to request an application packet from one of the grad schools. I had to pay some parking tickets. And that is really all I got done. I managed to fill out most of the bar application (it surprisingly only took be about an hour) and will hopefully mail it off on Thursday. I still need to call a couple former employers and try to get my dates of employment and names of supervisors. One word describes this whole process. YOWZA!

I'm supposed to give a presentation today for my ethics class and I haven't been able to focus on it for more than 5 minutes at a time. I've already done all the research and it only has to be about 2 minutes long, but I can't seem to muster the energy. Blech! Plus I've lost my voice, so really, my presentation will consist of me passing out a handout, reading from it, and having everyone try to ignore the squawking as they read it. Life is interesting
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Violence in movies

Today in Con Law we are talking about freedom of speech. We have talked about obscenity and fighting words. My Con Law professor is a big advocate of censoring violent video games and movies from kids. I, oddly enough, agree. I know the view is not a popular one, but after seeing "A History of Violence" I had a really vivid and violent dream. I dreamt that I shot a burglar and that the witnesses and police were joking about it as I sobbed uncontrollably from the shock of the killing. I could feel the gun recoil and hear the sound of the bullet meeting his flesh. I have to say it was about the most disgusting thing I have experienced recently. Violent movies are bad.

I just recently spent an hour searching The Facebook. I posted a couple notes, read some messages, found out that one of my former romantic interests has a cute girlfriend (not fair) and added another former romantic interest to my list of friends. All in all a non-productive way to spend an hour, but I had lots of fun.

I haven't read for my wills and trusts class in over a week and don't really care. My motivation is flying out the window. It gets worse and worse with every e-mail I get detailing some aspect of graduation. This is senioritis to the next level.

On a plus note, I finally got my medical school applications done. The whole thing stressed me out too much. Now I have to get my bar application done. It is due Oct 31st I believe and then I get to start on my grad school applications. I'm hoping that they are less intense to fill out. I am only applying to 4 schools, but it is still going to be some work to coordinate letters of recommendation and such.

I found out that one of my best friends got an interview for vet school. I am really proud of her, but a little bit jealous that she's got an interview and I don't.

I am taking the MPRE next weekend. I've got this weekend set aside to do the bar application and then all next week I get to do MPRE questions. I don't have time for school and honestly don't care much about it. My brain is slipping so badly that I had to turn in a paper today via e-mail. I finished it around 5pm and then forgot to send it out until just before midnight. That is insanely pathetic.

Of course this academic panic/apathy follows a weekend of fun. This weekend I did the following things:

My first Karaoke - "Think" by Aretha Franklin. And I did it badly because I was sick.
I threw my bra onstage at a bar. The performer was asking for bras, so it wasn't completely random.
Corn Maze.
Cider Mill.
Wine Tasting.
Haunted House where I was groped by a very drunk guy.
Haunted Hayride.
I danced with a homosexual with no rhythm.
Romantic breakfast where Taz and I had our first date.

And somewhere in there I managed to work all day Friday (8a-4p), go to a 5 hour MPRE review Saturday morning, drive an hour each way to see my boyfriend, and spend most of Sunday in the library (over 5 hrs). I realize that some people would die from this kind of hectic schedule, but I find that I thrive on it. I'm only MILDLY sadistic.

The last time I'll ever be nice...or stupid!

Yesterday I donated a whole bunch of books. I carried them in plastic grocery bags. I had 5 full bags and they were heavy. By the time I dropped them off, my fingers were numb. One has not recovered almost 24 hours later. I have a numb finger. How fucking weird is that? Fortunately it doesn't impede my progress at all, but it does feel strange.

Today I'll be done with my med school aps. I only have 2 left and although I do have to write a bit more, they shouldn't take me too long. I'll do it while I am watching the baseball game tonight. Go Astros!

Last night I got sick. I was dead sick. My nose was dripping and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I had been run over by an 18 wheeler. I felt even worse this morning and had to have a 20 minute pep talk before I could get out of my bed. The odd thing is that I felt 100 times better as soon as I was up and had blown my nose. I have felt pretty much really good all day up until just a few minutes ago. I was supposed to go see taz tonight, but I don't want to get him sick and I should get more work done, so I'll just wait and see him some other time.

My brother and I love to talk trash about baseball. He's routing for the cardinals and of course me for the Astros. Here is an e-mail exchange after the 5th game (Pujols got a homer in the top of the 9th to put them at 1 ahead - we didn't recover).

Me to him:

"Pujols ain't got nothin. He just got lucky and that luck is about to run out. Go 'stros!"

Him to me:

"You suck, the astros suck, and pettitte certainly sucks. Cards all the way. I'm going to send Eckstein over to your apartment to give you a noogie. Or perhaps an indian sunburn."

"I had some nice flashbacks the other night going through my baseball cards (which aren't worth crap these days). Found the card that I had Nolan Ryan autograph (now he's gained a bit of weight, hasn't he)... Rookies back then are veterans now. It's been a long time, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for the Astros, and it would be very exciting if they made it to the world series for the first time EVER."

"Too bad they are about to get whupt."

Man I love baseball. Okay, time to leave work, take a nap, and try to kick some of this virus' butt.

Work

I do about 5 minutes of work an hour. The rest of the time I sit in front of a computer and wait for work to present itself. My boss comes in to check on me about twice a day. It is statistically highly improbable that my boss will check on my while I'm doing actual work. Today I was victorious. I fucking rule!

On a dimmer note, I have been working on this one med school secondary for over 6 hours. I just can't seem to get into this. I was going to try to have them all done today, but my revised goal is to just get this one out today. I also have to get a million passport photos. I need about a dozen for med school aps, two for the bar exam, and one for the MPRE. What is it with passport photos? Everyone wants a picture of me. I know I'm beautiful, but this is excessive.

Last night I was the laughing stock of my apartment complex. I wanted to groom my cat, but he sheds a lot and I didn't want to be breathing in cat hair for days, so I put his harness on him, took him outside and brushed away. I got so much hair off that it was blowing down the sidewalk. My neighbors looked at me like I was crazy and my cat looked at me like he wanted to kill me. But now he is all shiny and pretty and he thanked me by lying down with his butt in my face while I slept last night. You are welcome, my favorite feline, very welcome!

my wedding - or lack thereof

I have this insatiable urge to get married. I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it is my friend's fault. She told me last week that she was getting married this Tuesday. It's going to be a courthouse elopement and she wants me there. That bitch and her week long engagement. This should be my wedding, not hers. So last night I talked to taz about getting married. I told him I wanted to do it and he asked me when. I'm not going to tell him when. That's for him to decide. He should be saving for the ring now, but I have a sinking feeling he's not yet started. He sounds so excited when we talk about getting married, but I've not yet seen indication that he's really ready.

On a strange note, we have decided that we will start living together on the Ides of March, 2006. We are not sure where we are going to live, but we have restricted it to the Continental US and Alaska. He thinks it's really cool that Alaska pays its citizens to live there.

Now I'm going to surf the net looking for potential jobs for him.

Ladybugs mean good luck.

There is currently a ladybug climbing all over the library study room key. It ventures to the wooden key ring and the key, but its favorite part is the metal ring between the two. It must have hopped on Blondie when we went walking in the woods just now. We needed a break from life and from people so we ventured to a park where there is a nicely cleared path through the woods. The only person to bother us was an entomology person with a net and a killing jar. Thankfully he was more interested in the bugs than us though.

This week has been long already and it is only Tuesday. Yesterday I was at school and work from 9a-9:30p. Today it's from 8a-10p. I'm very tired. By the time I get home and have my hour conversation with Taz, I'm already at a net loss of sleep and that is before I decide to get up early to finish some last minute reading (which absolutely never happens - EVER). I end up snoozing from 6:30-8 or so and then the last hour and a half of my already short night's sleep is interrupted every 8 minutes. I'm really not very smart.

Taz told me that he thought love was a conscious decision and not a feeling. He says that the thing most people think is love is really lust, and love is what remains after the lust is over. I guess that's a good sign. I actually liked his philosophy. I'm not comfortable with love being a feeling. Feelings aren't concrete at all and they can change in an instant. In my opinion love is more permanent than a feeling.

More later. It's time for class.