tomorrow is judgment day 1 of 3

Tomorrow I take my Texas bar exam. I'm hoping that this is both the first and the last time I take this test. I haven't really studied much the last 5 days. I've done a couple hours here and a couple there, probably averaging 3-4 hrs/day (and that is generous). Today I went to starbucks intending to study for a few hours. I ended up studying for 30 minutes and then shopping. I bought a dress for my mom, some ziplock baggies for the test tomorrow (any container you bring in must be see-through), and some cute jewelry. I also tried on about 100 pairs of shoes and that made me happy. I did laundry today, talked to some friends and family, managed to soak up another 2 hours of studying, and ate a homemade dinner of "brain food" thoughtfully prepared by my mom (salmon, peas, potatoes, and salad). After this here blog entry, I think I'll try to calm my nerves via a nice warm bubble bath. I'm completely wired. I've been up and down my stairs about 100 times and cannot keep still. My nerves are through the roof. Here is a conversation from earlier in the day:

ryan: ready for the test?
me: I'm not ready
me: but that doesn't really matter
ryan: its this week right
me: tomorrow is the first day
ryan: well good luck
me: gracias
ryan: is it written or multiple choice?
me: tomorrow and thurs are written, wed is MC
ryan: wow
me: indeed
ryan: when do you get the results?
me: may
ryan: thats a long time
ryan: you will be crazy and broke by then
me: no shit

So I guess that is what I have to look forward to after I finish the test. One thing at a time though. One thing at a time. *sigh*

Lonely!

Today I felt lonely, but at the same time, needed to be alone. It is a weird paradox that I don't really understand. I spent the majority of the working day with my study buddy prepping for the bar exam (5 days away). I fully intended to spend another hour or two or three doing some prep work of my own, but it never happened. Instead, I drove around town searching for things that would calm me down. I've been having boyfriend and career crises over the past 48 hrs.

My first stop was at an ex's work to see if he was there. I thought his trying to pick me up would be a pick me up. He wasn't there. Then I drove past my best friend's house from middle school. It was still there. From there I went to my old church to sit and meditate for an hour. I've given up praying. My next stop was the Walmart parking lot. I had a argument inside my head weighing the potential fun and calming effect that shopping would have and the immorality of shopping at walmart. Morality won out tonight. That led me to the McDonald's drive through for a sundae. The chicken soup I'd had for dinner on my ill father's behalf didn't fill me up. My last stop was the neighborhood park to eat my sundae and listen to the top ten at 10p. On some level, that insane bout of hopping around town may have done more for my bar exam score than doing 50 or 60 multiple choice practice questions. I feel more focused and calm and have all day tomorrow to practice MBE questions.

My advice and insight about relationships for today is this: Learn from your mistakes! Make as many new mistakes as is necessary, but never repeat one. That's just a waste of time.

How come I can't sleep anymore? Lately I've been going to bed at 12p, waking up at 8a and only sleeping 3 or 4 hours of those 8. It is truly annoying.

Will God hate me if I've given up on him? On some level I feel like we never could communicate. It is like we didn't speak the same language and on top of that, we don't even use the same media for communication. I tried and tried and tried to "get it". When is it right to just give up? I've been trying for a quarter of a century. That is an awful long time. If someone tried to get me to talk to them for a quarter of a century, and I kept ignoring them, I would wonder if they were retarded or stalking me. Or maybe if I was evil, I'd continue to watch and laugh at their frustration. Which is God doing with me?

10 days

The bar exam is officially 10 days away. Of course there are always the same conflicting feelings. I'm glad that it's only 10 days away. That means that I get to start having fun in 13 days. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure that I'm 10 days away from knowing everything I should know (or even 67.5% of what I should know). The 67.5 isn't arbitrary. It's what I need to get right on the bar to pass. I have been counting down the days till I get to go back to school and see Taz and my friends. I've also been having fantasies of staying up there for a whole month, mooching off friends (for places to sleep) and generally being unproductive except for a steady, unmotivated job search. Did I mention that I don't really want a job?

So I think medical school is officially not an option. I've gotten more rejection letters than I care to admit and no interviews. I'm not really sure why, but I really can't be too upset. I mean I do have a law degree and medical school would mean I'd be in school for at least another 7 years. Who needs that? So now I'm down to grad school or job. I'd say my chances at grad school are about 50/50 and so the job search is going to have to happen whether I'm ready for it or not. The real world sucks, man!

I wish I could say that I've been regularly studying for the bar and that I'm saturating my life with Texas legal knowledge, but that would be a lie. Instead I have gallivanted off to Oregon to see my brother, gone wedding dress shopping with and for a friend, read a couple mediocre books, and socialized a bit too much. Don't get me wrong. I have been studying, just not as much as I probably should. I have gone to every single BarBri class (Oil and Gas and Consumer Rights twice cause they were over my head), every single PMBR class, and been studying with a partner about 1/2 the days. But I'm still way far behind.

Here are some bar exam study tips I'd suggest. First, take every single law school class that is tested on your state's bar exam. Learning this stuff in 6 weeks is just not fun. I am having to learn the following subject matters without prior course work for my exam:

Tax
Community Property
Secured Transactions
Bankruptcy
Consumer Rights
Family Law (I took one in school, but not the right one)
Oil and Gas

This is all on top of all the Texas nuances I have to learn. A friend taking the bar exam in Illinois said to me that all of the BarBri lecturers there continuously make fun of Texas and their need to have unique laws to make themselves stand out. To that I say FOOEY!!!

When you are done taking all the classes you need, make sure you take PMBR. The class is awesome. If not for the lectures (which aren't bad but aren't great), for the sample questions they have. They basically go into the exam, take the multistate, and spend a significant portion of the exam time (1/3) memorizing questions so that they can provide you with questions. Not to mention that 35% of the questions on the mulitstate are repeats. That means if you get lucky, and PMBR is on top of their game (which they seem to be), you could have 20% or more of the multistate questions in your possession before you even take the exam. That's some pretty cool shit! They have been sued 2 or 3 times by the bar examiners for copyright infringement which means that their questions have got to be pretty darn close to the real thing.

The last thing that I think is really important is scoping out the exam site. Drive there, time how long it takes to get there, get a hotel room nearby if necessary, figure out where you are going to get lunch, park, and generally scope it out so that you can visualize how things are going to go at exam time. I think that my trip to the exam site has considerably reduced my stress level.

Other than those three suggestions, just make sure you study lots and don't go insane. Although, you should keep in mind that I have not yet taken or passed the exam, so this advice is fairly worthless - at least for the time being.

Now I should really go to sleep. I've wasted enough study time blogging.