Lonely!

Today I felt lonely, but at the same time, needed to be alone. It is a weird paradox that I don't really understand. I spent the majority of the working day with my study buddy prepping for the bar exam (5 days away). I fully intended to spend another hour or two or three doing some prep work of my own, but it never happened. Instead, I drove around town searching for things that would calm me down. I've been having boyfriend and career crises over the past 48 hrs.

My first stop was at an ex's work to see if he was there. I thought his trying to pick me up would be a pick me up. He wasn't there. Then I drove past my best friend's house from middle school. It was still there. From there I went to my old church to sit and meditate for an hour. I've given up praying. My next stop was the Walmart parking lot. I had a argument inside my head weighing the potential fun and calming effect that shopping would have and the immorality of shopping at walmart. Morality won out tonight. That led me to the McDonald's drive through for a sundae. The chicken soup I'd had for dinner on my ill father's behalf didn't fill me up. My last stop was the neighborhood park to eat my sundae and listen to the top ten at 10p. On some level, that insane bout of hopping around town may have done more for my bar exam score than doing 50 or 60 multiple choice practice questions. I feel more focused and calm and have all day tomorrow to practice MBE questions.

My advice and insight about relationships for today is this: Learn from your mistakes! Make as many new mistakes as is necessary, but never repeat one. That's just a waste of time.

How come I can't sleep anymore? Lately I've been going to bed at 12p, waking up at 8a and only sleeping 3 or 4 hours of those 8. It is truly annoying.

Will God hate me if I've given up on him? On some level I feel like we never could communicate. It is like we didn't speak the same language and on top of that, we don't even use the same media for communication. I tried and tried and tried to "get it". When is it right to just give up? I've been trying for a quarter of a century. That is an awful long time. If someone tried to get me to talk to them for a quarter of a century, and I kept ignoring them, I would wonder if they were retarded or stalking me. Or maybe if I was evil, I'd continue to watch and laugh at their frustration. Which is God doing with me?